We had dinner the next day… he told me he wants to marry me and have kids with me…

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Hi Nicole.

You responded a few weeks ago to my below message and asked me how I was doing since I had last written. Well, I definitely want to let you know what has been happening.

This past month or so has been great. I did have a set back (described below) but no matter what – I did not contact him. I did what I had to do which included going on a date with a man who is completely enamored with me. Whatever I needed to keep busy. And the hard part passed. I truly felt stronger, more confident, like the world opened up, many realizations about the relationship – both what I felt he had done wrong and more importantly, what I needed to improve upon with myself. So clearly do I now see how everything comes from within me. I can honestly say I felt I had moved on and felt it was for the best.

One of the most important things I gained was self control. During our relationship, especially toward the end, I was unable to not call him if I told myself not to; unable to not run back to him after a fight instead of standing my ground. Even after the break up I could not stop myself from constantly checking his profile and analyzing every little post or comment. After the episode below and seeing some pictures he posted with other girls (I know just friends, but still) I decided I would no longer check his profile. I did not want the negative feelings associated with this act. And you know what? I didn't. I was amazed at myself. I was feeling great.

To be honest, I did do one thing – I posted some pictures form my housewarming party, two of which were me with 2 guys. Friendly enough, but I knew it would make him upset. But I would have posted the pictures regardless of him, so I did. This was around the 3/4 week mark.

And so, the calls started. The emails started. The texts started. I ignored them. He finally texted that he saw the pictures form my party and that him seeing me with another guy literally made shake and want to throw up and that he needed to delete me as a friend because it was too much for him to handle. I said ok. Some more calls texts. I knew he was seeking information on my relationship with this guy but I would not play into it. Finally though, he asked me if I was with him. I said — As I have told you, I do not have nor want a boyfriend for a long time. True. But the implication, which is the truth, is that I am dating and speaking to men. In any event, he calmed down a little.

A few days later he texts me inviting me to watch a soccer game with him early Sunday morning (that was our thing we would do together). I nicely said that it sounds great but realistically, after Saturday night, I would have to cheer for the team in my sleep. Some calls afterwards which I ignored. You get the picture.

In summary, I finally agreed to see him (he wanted to show up at my work… wanted to drive from NY to Pennsylvania to come see me). He had written letters, had many realizations, all of which we talked about. He had seemed to realize everything I could have ever wanted. He just wants to give. How he has been so immature. He went on in detail about how even though he got jealous this was so much more than that… citing examples of what he missed and what he was thinking. We had dinner the next day… he told me he wants to marry me and have kids with me (he NEVER EVER said that before).

I told him the truth about what I thought and how I feel. Which is that I went through hell to get to where I am and, as it stands right now, I do not want to be in a relationship. FOr the first time in my life I feel like the only person I have the desire to think about is myself. THat I have grown tremendously in this past month and feel like there is more growing that I need to do. That I still love him but this is just too soon. That I saw him because I wanted to calm him down, I know how strong that feeling of needing to see someone is and that I wanted to explain to him how he need not be jealous — and the reason I wanted him to know that is because he needs time to sort out his true feelings… and that jealousy should not be in the mix. He thanks me, he apologized, he truly looked like a man deep in love (glassy eyes and all)… even more than the way he was when he first fell for me three years ago. In short, I needed time and as far as I'm concerned, so does he. If we truly are meant to be then he will feel the same in 1, 2, 3 months. He agrees. (actually he couldnt stop telling me how smart I was with my feelings on this).

**we also confessed to eachother the lies and "cheating" that happened in the beginning of our relationship; we were both in other relationships when we got together and it took alot of courage on my part but I came clean about everything, something that had always bothered him, and so did he. He thinks he needed that and that he never got over what he thought was a lie, and he was right. I think it might be true.

He still continued to call and text and yesterday I explained that if we are truly using this time to be on our own we cant be in contact because its confusing.

And so here I am. I don't know what will be and I am missing him because we were so recently in contact. But even if in a month he says he no longer feels the same, as much as it will hurt, I know I will be ok. and obviously will have been for the best. I don't know what will happen and for now I continuing to act as if I am single.

I will keep you posted.

Gina Hartofoulos