The Pull Back and the Push Pling…huh?
You meet this guy and you have an irresistible feeling of attraction towards him. You're hoping that he feels the same and wants to get to know you more. Or maybe you've been on a few dates with a guy and you're wanting him to move your relationship further, you're hoping he wants to be exclusive with you.
But it's not moving along the way you hoped.
How about if your husband or boyfriend is ignoring you, not being as attentive as he once was, and seem to have lost his passion for you?
I understand how it feels when you have all of your hopes up because of the attraction you feel for a man or a few prospects then end up getting disappointed over and over again. I understand how it feels when you love your husband/boyfriend and he's just not doing what you want. It makes you feel like screaming. You feel like knocking him out cold because he may appear aloof and insensitive.(well, maybe you don't feel so violent…I just had to be uber graphic here) LOL. While I am at it, I'm gonna keep going…
The idea of getting him in the ring and kick boxing the shit out of him may have crossed your mind…but you need to hold on to your horses before you get down to southland again with them dirty nuckles that keeps getting scraped up over how men behave.
Any man's nicely firmed butt can drive me insane with desire..in fact, I could spend the whole day looking at a guy's ass without taking a break to go to the bathroom..AND having a little dessert, that can wait too, however, I have learned the art of having my eyes planted firmly on a guy's backside without allowing his backside to grow a mouth and start dictating to me how the hell I should feel and what I should be doing with my life.
When you meet a prospect or if you are full on dating a man you're totally into, you are going to experience the pull back and the push pling!! Guaranteed. This also happens when you've been together for sometime. This is reality. It is a given. It is totally and completely out of your control. The key is "how to respond when this happens"
When this happens a man may:
1. Not call you back
2. Take a while to get back to you
3. Withdraw without explanation
4. Run hot and cold
5. Seem into you one minute and out of you the next
6. Not spend time with you as often as you'd like.
What you need to focus on is working on NOT being the crazy woman who gets wrapped up in your head so that you are looking at a man's ass for days then suddenly have the experience of it talking to you!
As much as you LOVE to wrap your head into a man's chest until you feel as though nothing else really matters in the world, here are some ideas if you find yourself losing it over a man who has withdrawn his interest or acting like his brain is the size of a peanut.
Remember, a man's "pull back" is a given. You have to build the emotional skills to know how to RESPOND. You cannot control his pull back, but you can control the way you respond to him. You will either respond in a mature and attractive manner or you'll have him think you're a crazy stalker who was repeatedly slashed with knives when you were a child.
Whenever a man pulls away or isn't doing what you want, there is something you must practise doing until it becomes a skill that is as natural as applying your lipstick.
Your first reaction to his "pull back" is what I can a "push pling" ….for those of you who hasn't learned how to speak Nicole, it sounds like you've been hit in the gut and you want to reach out to hold onto something to help you feel ok. A push pling is when you have an overwhelming desire to move towards a man because you are afraid that you will lose him. When you push towards him, a pling sound goes off in your subconsious mind that helps you to FEEL that isn't the right move to take, however, your feelings of attraction may act in defiance of the "pling" and cause you to engage in certain kinds of behaviors you know you wouldn't want your boss to know about.
When you refuse to pay attention to the pling, you may end up feeling: emotionally drained, exhausted, hurt, in despair,confused, frustrated, angry or plain old vengeful. If it gets real bad, you'll feel as though you want to cut his penis off and fry it up in order to serve it to crocodiles awaiting a nice meal.
Or maybe you want him to really suffer and cut his balls off too…while also fantasizing about throwing them in the ocean so sharks can eat em…just remember in your fantasy to not feed them to a vegan shark!
Here's the deal: In order to handle a man's withdrawal, you have to practise being the kind of woman who can manage your own emotions. Don't get all lovey dovey and start telling him feeling messages. That's Bullshit! You must manage yourself, not tell him you're scared because he will see this as manipulative. Have you ever read anything like this: "When you pull away, I feel scared. It makes me feel unsure because I don't know what's happening." This kind of lingo is for husbands and wives, not to be used while dating. Getting inside your heart, and getting into your girly energy so you can reach out to him isn't what you want to do.
You want to manage your emotions by shifting your stance. You shift your stance by shifting your thoughts and actions. You shift your actions with your thoughts. This is where your will comes in. Instead of thinking about the color red, begin thinking about the color blue and everytime the color red wants to take up space in your mind, use your will to shift your thoughts to the color blue until your mind learns that blue is what you want to think about!
In order to manage your emotions, you have to learn how to raise your value ratio. What's a value ratio? Your value ratio is the economy of consistent upward movement of your self worth.
Here's exactly how to do it: Increase your internal demand and lower your external demand. In other words, require MORE self control and less control over a man. Stop demanding his attention and make a demand of yourself.
When you require more self control, it works to control a man because you will begin to speak the language of attraction. The language of attraction is all about the ability to manage your emotional world which in turn will raise the attraction frequency in your man's mind.
The next time he pulls back and you are temped to push, pay attention to the "pling"…as this is the warning button that tells you you're getting too overcooked and hung up over a man's behavior.
Spend less time fantasizing about frying penises and more time on expanding your internal space. You literally have to force your brain to learn this kind of language as it will sit in the pattern it is used to.
If you're used to complaining to your girlfriends till all you talk about ALL night long is how a man's done you wrong, your brain is learning to be a bitch over men. It's not learning the skill of empowerment.
The part of you that needs to vent will want to take out the knife, but practise turning that around in order to get MORE results from a man's lack of interest like a higher chance of him pushing towards you.
Check out this awesome page with tons of great information I put together that will help you get more of the love you want: http://www.squidoo.com/how-to-get-him-to-love-you
If you enjoy this post, don't keep it to yourself. Email it to your friends and share on facebook and twitter.
As always, I appreciate your comments, so please let me know what you're thinking:)
Love,
Nicole
Check out: How to Get Him to Love You Here: http://www.squidoo.com/how-to-get-him-to-love-you
No related posts.
Hi Nicole,
Unfortunately I broke and said I was tired of the lack of response he gives while not around, but when he is he gives more attention. I said to him that I was tired of that non-communicative type behavior when he is out of sight. I wish I had kept on with what I was doing to deal with it. Which is pretty much what you are sayin, but I snapped into a mode of tellin him he is inconsiderate. And that I'm fed up with it. I had been biting my tongue, which is not my character, just to avoid pushing him away. He acts as if he is under the pressures of others, which leaves no room for stating what bothers me,to him. Just tired and fed up. What do you think Nicole?
@ Charlotta, you will have NO ability to control your emotional world IF you don't go inside yourself and learn your power. I've been in situations where this has happened time and again and I had to learn that I need to OWN my power so that I am in control instead of letting situations or other people control me. The reason why you eventually got frustrated is because there is alot of activity happening on the outside of you and not enough on the inside of you.
I want ALL the ladies to hear this too, and please forward this to all the ladies you know, you cannot and I mean, you cannot correctly handle a man's behavior if you are being ruled by externals. In order for you to feel good, to feel happy, and to feel powerful, YOU have to find that within you instead of relying on a man's behavior to GIVE it to you.
When you speak of biting your tongue and it being out of character, it means, it is still your emotions controlling you and I know you have unfolding power within you. The way and only way to master this is to begin by spending time going within yourself and you can start doing this by simple starting to journal or even 10 mins of meditation per day.
This allows you to rule from within, to govern, to come to a state of BEING instead and you will see that as you go deeper within, this kind of mastery will actually work to CONTROL his behavior like magic where more than likely, you won't have to say anything.
Love,
Nicole
Two weeks ago I was at total peace within, because I had a talk with myself and said that I had to get a grip and focus on me. And I became unfocused by charm, and realizing this I was thinking I had to get control once again. I will do just that, and pass on your advise.
Nicole, what if you have been dating a man for a few years and he does this pull back thing every year. When he comes back , he brings flowers and attempts to move the relationship forward….then he pulls back again. What is that about? Is it some type of emotional deviation or is this to be expected as well. Currently, he has pulled back again, in the past, each time he pulled back, I let him. I stopped calling, texting, expecting to see him, I've even dated other men (only dated). Then he comes back with a sad face, flowers and gets us back on track . He becomes very attentive, he calls once a day or several times a day, he text, he comes over or we go out, we are really into each other. Then, he pulls back again….. This is year three, and the third time he has done this, but this time, I am not sure if I want to get back, because controlling ones emotions is not easy and it really takes its toll. I know that we as women need to practice emotional control with our men….and in the past, after he becomes Mr. Attentive, I have calmly asked him to not pull away like that, because it hurts my feelings and degrades my trust in him, but, to no avail, here we go again……So, when do I "really" get to express myself and let him know that this multiple pulling back stuff is not healthy for me or our relationship? I would hate to do that when I am truly fed up and ready to walk I do love him, I really do…but I hate feeling rejected and disappointed….at some point, I must honor myself becauseI love myself more.
@ Shawn, seems as though you’ve sat in a place inside yourself where you haven’t chosen to really look at or heal for sometime. And he’s showing you by his actions that you’ve ignored this part of you that wants to experience freedom. Because this has been the case, it has turned into a pattern that keeps repeating itself like a program and it’s exhibited in his behavior. His behavior is the message to you that you need to lovingly go within yourself and without judgement figure out what it is that is causing you to allow someone else to determine your point of life reference. Have YOU ever tried pulling back before he does and stay out of contact with him for a while? He’s now trained to show you what you think you deserve and he knows that you have given him permission to respond in this way because your point of personal power isn’t fully harnessed to command more from this.
So when are you going to start honoring yourself and what does that look like right now?
Hi Nicole, thank you so much for your response. To answer your question, yes, I have pulled away on my own. I have even left town on trips for days with my girlfriends or with my family, without word to him, no calls, no text, nothing. I don't have a problem giving it to him the way he hands it to me…but why should have to do that? I am not a clingy or needy woman, in fact, I am a really busy woman of color working full time and developing a business on my own. In fact, he has stated that he admired the fact that I have a full life and that I was a "doer" and didn't sit around waiting for a telephone call. Because we are both generally busy people, the attention we gave each other was never one of obligation but of choice and we found the time.
Before you and your readers go there, no he is not married…however, he has had a very rough love life in the past and was really hurt by a former lover. Because of his experience, I have tried to be understanding because I have had things to deal with as well from my own past. However, I took a long hiatus from men and dating and tried to deal with that and heal the best I could.
Then, I met him….
Now, I am not upset about the disapearing act, so to speak, but in the manner in which it is done. When he goes MIA, he totally cuts me off, which frustrates me. Because when we finally talk about it, it is usually something that he could have just said upfront, we could have talked through it and it could have avoided my crazy thoughts and emotional stress. At this stage in the game, I have interpreted his pulling away as rejection of my friendship and love. It's been three years. How can one think he has permission to treat me that way, when it was stated that it hurt and my trust in him was in question. What is the deal? So are you saying maybe I should just walk away in order to honor myself?
@ Shawn, the deal is…you’re an incredible woman and if you are faced with an issue you are powerful enough to move it out of your way when you find the part of yourself that only knows your incredilousness:) I’m saying that you can find the place of honor within you and this pattern that frustrates you will disappear.
Should i pull back right now????
Right now I'm in a situation that i dont know how to cope.
I met a man about 2 months. (A common friend). There was an immediate connection. We like a lot to talk, and being together. We've been discovering a lot of common interest and taste… The first time we went out, only the two of us, he wanted to tackle a subject. And this subject was about a woman he had met recently and who he was getting to know better. He said that he wanted to be honest with me right from the start, and said expecifically that he was not dating her. In one hand he was giving me the possibility of having something and in the other hand he was pushing away by saying that he was seeing a girl. That said, he still said he liked to continue to be with me, know me better etc etc and also said that you never know what tomorrow can bring. It was so strange to me listen to that, that i just thought to myself "what he's he doing??". And i said to him that there was no problem at all and we could be friends, but i didn''t think it was convinient that we went out just the 2 of us again. That's what i said to him with a smile on my face, like everything was just fine!
Since then we talked every day, it's he who looks for me always, without exception. I never call or send text or anything, it's allways him. He come and talk to me on the internet, phone etc. etc.. Sometimes more than once per day. I have been very sweet and likable, but this situation does not walk forward. He tells friends that we have a lot in common and that he relates to me very well and he want's to know me better and you never know!!! But, he said that right now he is focused on completing the course and not in women! (The course ends in 2 months). As for the other woman, i think he's no longer meeting her, but not sure. When he is with me, just as friends of course, he is sweet, looks at me with tenderness, touches my arm, back, and show's affection. But do not give passes. I do not know if I should distance myself a little, change my attitude or posture, to make him decide what he wants. Away or risk?? I know he's a bit insecure and afraid to take chances. He told me that! I do not know what to do or think. I'm lost here: (
I need some help with this situation. This guy he's making me feel confused. He shows interest and he doesn't… This is not normal!
If there is more information that i can give please let me know.
Thank you so much for your attention
@ Alexandra..the very process by which he’s creating confusion inside of you but being dual in nature is what you need to employ in order to make him show his cards so to speak. And you do this by pulling way, way back from him so that he has to wonder whether or not you still want to be friends. If he tries to get in touch with you for the first week, don’t reply back or see him. If you see him in public, avoid him or if you bump into him make it a quick hello and keep walking. If he still tries the second week to get in touch with you, communicate how busy you are and you’ll have to chat with him some other time. Let him know nice and quickly that it’s nice hearing from him but you’re so busy to chat right now and will have to get back to him. In order to bring yourself out of the confusion, you have to shift your posture way higher than his or you’ll constantly continue feeling like a victim of his dual nature.
Talking to him everyday is feeding a certain level of comfort in him that makes him feel as though you don’t really matter because you’ll always be there. He’s been overwhelmed by your presence, now it’s time to overwhelm him by your absence. You must create a temporary “illusion” that you are no longer available or interested..for now. It must appear to him that you’re busy, so not right now..if you see him in class because of the course, smile if he says hello then quickly walk away or quickly go back to doing something. Force your body to go and do something else so that he will feel the loss of your presence. Let me tell you bluntly, it is NOTHING to do with him being insecure, you’re the one feeding the need in him to act like this towards you and only you can change this if you adopt the strategies I just mentioned. Remember, don’t be the nurturer, be the elusive woman that stays on his mind!
Hi Nicole, thanks for everything.
I come here to teel about the news and the way tht this situation has developed!
Well…not good i'm afraid. I've done everything i could to follow your advice, and i think i did well, but the result it's not what i was expecting. Not till now i must say
The thing is, that i didn't answer the phone, or reply the text for a few days (weeks) and as the time was passing by i started to reply just a few but always in a "rush"! I think he was wondering why, but didn't make any move.. Well, after a few weeks he started to ask me to make him favors and to help him with college stuff, and i did, but during that week i started to feel more connected and it wasn't making me feel right. One night, we were together, alone, he told me tgis "You know that if it wasnt's this girl i'm with, i would already be with you" and he also said that "maybe, a few months form here i'm going to be chacing you like crazy and yous not gona want me more"!!!! Chocking right??? This said, i tld him, that this behavior and this constant texting and dating wasn's right for me and we couldn't do that anymore. And i asked him to slow it down, like,don't call me everyday, don't text me everyday and don't ask for my presence everyday, this is not good for any of us. After that, he agree, and there was a tension that we both ad the need to kiss, but we didn't and we both walked away! Everything i said may saoun to hard, but i did it in a very calm and secure way. After that conversation he pushed away form me and i pushed away form him..and already 2 months have pass. 3 days ago we talked because of a common friend situation, and spend 2 hours on the phone and then he asked for my presence later at nigh..and we spend a few hours together just like friends.. But the thing is that the tension is steel there and the look in hes eyes is steel there…But he is with the other girl… I don't think that there's anything i can do..in fact..i think that move along is the only ealhty way to deal with this. Right Nicole?
Alexandra, I just came across a new video by Michael Fiore you might want to check out: http://bit.ly/mm1e5N
Let me know what you think about it…I think it could help;)
Hi Nicole, i've just watched the video of Michael Fiore and isn't it for husbands and boyfriends? Or can i use this technics with this guy friend that as another "girl" with him but always shows interest in me but with no move at all! Can this make him risk and take a chance with me? Or this is a total different sittuation? Thank you…
Hi Alexandra, I’ve been in touch with Michael Fiore and his program goes quite deep. What you’re really wanting to do is to strategically move him towards you so you can’t think instant. You will see instant result but it is all about the foundation you build and he will cover this in his program. You have to create and build up the feelings of attraction until you leverage it back into your court. This is why alot of women don’t get results because they don’t understand that moving a man towards them is a strategy. Follow his plan and build the foundation. Let me know how it works for you.
Check it out here: http://bit.ly/mm1e5N
Hi Nicole,
I was good friends with a guy for years before we started dating recently. He started pursuing me heavily and I finally began seeing him in a more intimate light. We've been officially dating and in a relationship for 2 1/2 months now. Things were going really well until about two weeks ago when we had a ridiculous argument; he made a dumb comment, I overreacted and then he overeacted – argument ensues we talked it out that night and then we were fine.
But I freaked out and wanted to talk it out more the next day which he didn't like, but I felt we smoothed that over too. Things seemed normal for a few days, I spent the night mid-week as I sometimes do, we even tried new things inbed… But for the past week he has only texted in response to my texts, hasn't called me unless to return a missed call and even tonight when I called I got a "can I call you back in ten minutes?" and never got that call back.
I feel like I screwed up and am on the verge of getting dumped and potentially losing my boyfriend and good friend all at once. Reading this now I can see things don't sound too promising but really, what do I do? How do I get him back to adoring me like he use to?
Hey Sandra, thanks for writing. What alot of women don’t understand is: just because a man is a boyfriend does’n't mean that he is immune to breaking it off in the face of over reaction and emotionalism. Your relationship is very young and this is why I always tell women to manage their emotional world, because this is exactly where the problem often lies. I’m not saying women should be robots, but men just cannot handle excessive emotionalism. They see it as irrational, out of control and a tornado. The reason why you”re not hearing back from him is because he’s still mentally dealing with the conflict, it makes men feel that they cannot trust you to hold yourself together in the face of conflict and usually they go through their minds what took place and all they see or feel is the conflict that stands out to them. Women have a different way of seeing a conflict, we can look at it from many angles, men are more one dimensional. I think he’s scared that if he connects with you again, it will happen again so he’s laying low to protect himself. The mistake you made also was wanting to talk with him about it the next day, which is a huge no no…for men they deal with things in the moment and it is over, they move on. This is what alot of women cannot accept, because they don’t feel as though it’s truly resolved, but to men it is.
The next time you have an argument, don’t bring it in the next day. Just leave it alone and move on. He needs time to trust you emotionally, so you need to give him space to reset those emotional parameters. Don’t try to contact him anymore, honor the space instead. The only way you can get him back to that place is working on your inner world so that you start reflecting a woman who is in control of herself and her emotions. He needs to see this from you in order for him to know that it is safe to connect with you again..and you’re not doing this for him, you are doing this for you. So let it be your mantra that you will begin now to honor yourself and figure out why you freaked out, and why you needed to keep talking about it over and over again. Why you couldn’t let it go..is it because it points to deep insecurities on the inside, perhaps a deeper hidden issue from your past? Why did his comment trigger you and made you lose control? These are all questions you need to address within outside of needing his attention back right now. You will find that as you address your inner world, your outer world will shift into that same space.
The more self control you can possess by not trying to contact him or call him back, the better chance it will be to renew the attraction. But if you keep trying to chase him down, it will only translate in his mind as the out of control woman he got into an argument with. When he sees that you can stay your ground and possess yourself, it may make him feel more attraction for you..and once you gain his attention back, you must be very very careful that you don’t find yourself back into this situation again. You can’t be over excessive in your attention towards him just because you are afraid you’re gonna lose it or this will also backfire. Your best bet is to be calm, cool, and very centered…dig deeper from that place inside and be that powerful woman for you.
Write back if you have any questions and thanks for posting:)
Nicole
Thank you Nicole, for your advice and your prompt response! As an update, I pulled away for a day, didn't respond to his texts or gchat messages and he called me as soon as he got off of work, before even getting out the door. I kept the conversation very light and positive, we saw each other the next evening… I am so frustrated still because things don't feel like they've gone back to normal and he has gone back to not responding to me. I know I need to pull away and give him space and distance in order to want me but it feels so unnatural; he was the one that would text me all day everyday and drew ME out from the distance I initially felt when we began our relationship. I just wish there was a clear blueprint for this situation, so that we both feel secure and validated in what we have. I don't want to be a needy woman not in control of her emotions and vulnerable to the whims of someone else, but I don't know how to gain that control and not feel this weight of insecurity on my chest from his distance.
Sandra, the problem is this: when a man isn’t giving a woman attention and she feels that she is not in control or insecure, it points to something deeper inside of her. I’m curious, do you read my facebook posts? It doesn’t sound “nice” to say, but he actually doesn’t owe you his attention at all…if you think about it, all humans have free choice..and if he’s choosing to give you attention, then it’s his choice and if is choosing not to, then you have to respect this.. remember there was a huge falling out and it might be uncomfortable for you, but I am begging you to focus on yourself instead of needing his attention right now because it isn’t wise to demand it or get frustrated over the lack of it. You have to look deeper within and deal with this “weight” of insecurity you feel..it’s actually a good place to be because it is pointing you to further growth..deeper self growth..so surrender to what the universe is saying instead of wanting it to be different. And also, you need to pull away and give him space and distance NOT that he wants you, but so that you are able to work with your inner world…surrender instead of resisting. Basically, evolve to the place where you aren’t afraid of losing him or any man…
If you’d like more coaching advice, check out my exclusive offer here, prices double next week: http://www.attractingmenmastery.com/2011/08/chat-with-me-special-discount-for-facebook-friends/
Hello, not sure if your still responding to this article but here it goes. I was in a long term relationship for more than 6 yrs when he has decided to move out. He says he want to figure out what he wants and experience things on his own. That its not me its him. We ahve children together which means I cant stop communicating with him. Also I've recently found out that he has been hanging out and seeing an Ex, even though he says it's not a relationship. Not to mention this same Ex has been a constant issue during our relationship. He also told me that i am pushing him away. What should be my next move? I dont want our children around her, it that wrong? PLEASE HELP!
(in hopes of hearing back from you)
now its this distance has been going on for 3 months, we r still 'together' but ive done ALL the DONT'S listed in your article… is it too late to save it? deesperalty waiting for you answer!
6 months ago when i met him everything was amazing. I had THE power (mostly because we had both just gotten out of serious relationships and i was scared to get attached and be where i am today)… he loved me for that power (and i loved mysef), i had inner peace, and didnt obsess over him…. and when he said i loved u, i paniced and ran, which was like i had kicked him in the balls… since hes pulled waayy back, stopped being sweet, doesnt really care about spending time with me, no more sweet words, and no signs of affection, but worse of all hes gotten back in touch with his ex (who lives on a different continent, but still… u get my point). I didnt realize how much i enjoyed his love until i lost it
Hello Sabrina, thank you for sharing. I removed your email addy so no worries. I’d be happy to connect with you in a live call to get more details 1 on 1 from you so that I can know how to help you further. Please reply to this post and let me know or send me a personal email at: nicole@attractingmenmastery.com
Thanks and looking forward to connecting with you soon:)